Planning is a great tool, although I am sure Josh would tell you it is my downfall because as soon as an idea is out in the open it means my planning can start! I love planning, I like the process of working out the troubles in my mind or for the big projects drawing them out, in fact I think disaster management should have been my fortay.
Seeing as we only have one truck up here, on the edge of the continent, I have been feeling more house bound…errr RV bound… then usual. This feeling really tightened when it looked like the transmission was done in the truck and we were stranded without a vehicle for days on end! We walked, ALOT, and the dogs loved it and I think Emma did too… only I tired of walking the groceries back. So on one of these walks I spoke up, I told Josh I feel like I’ve lost the feeling of home I’ve been searching for, for so long. He took it pretty well, however I felt I needed to explain that while I was working on forming our home in my mind and building it without a physical landscape to officially call home I have always felt the draw of the Cariboo as my true “home”. Now to be told that the feeling of home has been without him in it for so long is not necessarily fair I suppose, but wherever my boots have landed, where horses have taken me or planes flown me to… it has always been the Cariboo I refer to as home. It is where my dog always felt he could wander, my horse could graze and I loved the feeling I got driving through the gate… it’s the feel of home.
So, once Josh dropped the idea that we should use my allotted acres my parents have always offered me, to build a house at the ranch, my heart felt full and I realized my searching for home was waiting for him to realize home was where I always dreamed it was, in the rolling hills of the Cariboo and with him and Emma it meant so much more as HOME than he could ever know.
To bring the feeling of home together with the mental building of home is a huge bonus but to know you get to build part of it as a partnership with the love of your life is truly a gift. So know I sit planning our physical home while still trying to build the mental and emotional home that I hope will draw our children back to us just as my parents built for me and my sisters. I was recently told that it is up to me to build my feeling of home, but I truly believe that family is what builds the home… the sense of safety and support builds ties that cannot bound you. The landscape you dream of and retreat to for mental repair is where you long to be in the hills and misty mornings. It is part of the feeling of home to build on and establish in our lifetime for our children to come.
– AJM, seeker of the feeling of home.
Where my dog can wander and my horse can graze.
Where my dog can wander and my horse can graze.
“It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home”
As I’ve mentioned before on my writings I am a constant seeker of finding the feeling of home, so to sacrifice the physical feeling of home is a hard hit. But I am learning (slowly at times) that the physical building of home is a mere piece of the feeling of home.
My husband-to-be, like so many in today’s economy, had to go where there was work. I really cannot be surprised as I was the one who sent the application for a job in NW British Columbia. However, Northern BC is remote and not always the easiest to find somewhere to live, let alone put horses. Horses will always be my true passion and a major contributor to the feeling of home. So I have no chance of having horses up here it is not helping with the sense of displacement, yet the feeling of physically giving up our house in our hometown that we painted, created the nursery for our daughter in and planted plants and made it feel homier is what really makes me feel like I’ve sacrificed a feeling of home. So now we have the fun of searching for a rental, but we all know to find a rental you must have the damage deposit (hopefully just 1/2 of rent) and then in our case a pet deposit for our two dogs to join us. So before you even move in the first item of your own you are pushing $2200 down the drain and feeling like you are never going to make ends meet AND save for that ranch you’ve always dreamed of. So what is a family to do in these times? You can invest. You can borrow or you can scrimp.
In this case, we chose to scrimp I suppose. Whether we are scrimping out of necessity or scrimping out of a desire to save I cannot tell you exactly as suitable rentals are rare and saving is difficult when you have one partner working and the other on maternity leave. So we sacrifice. We made the decision for staying in the 5th wheel while we search for a place to live full time. What a whole other life, the feeling of home couldn’t be further away when it’s raining so hard you feel like you live in a waterfall and it is beating down on your home on wheels. Don’t get me wrong, its really not hard living when the trailer comes with two flat screens, lazyboy chairs, a fire place and relatively a bit of space. However, that space quickly fills when you add in a baby all her baby things and her swing, two dogs and two adults.
It is merely the knowledge that what I am sacrificing is what I find myself searching for everywhere my feet land. The feeling of home waivers when you long for a place you know you cannot be right now and that you have to keep your family together, so you sacrifice the feeling of home for a while and focus on the mental aspect of “home”. I try to build the feeling of home amongst just us, I try to bring pieces of home in pictures, draw on social media and technology to bring your extended family into your world a little more everyday. It’s a day by day thing to feel more at home in a world so different from our regular everyday with horses and open fields and rolling hills, but we try.
At the end of the day that is all the can be asked of us all, that we try. We build our family and our idea of home in different ways. We grow with sacrifices.