Plans make it all easier…

Planning is a great tool, although I am sure Josh would tell you it is my downfall because as soon as an idea is out in the open it means my planning can start! I love planning, I like the process of working out the troubles in my mind or for the big projects drawing them out, in fact I think disaster management should have been my fortay.

Seeing as we only have one truck up here, on the edge of the continent, I have been feeling more house bound…errr RV bound… then usual. This feeling really tightened when it looked like the transmission was done in the truck and we were stranded without a vehicle for days on end! We walked, ALOT, and the dogs loved it and I think Emma did too… only I tired of walking the groceries back. So on one of these walks I spoke up, I told Josh I feel like I’ve lost the feeling of home I’ve been searching for, for so long. He took it pretty well, however I felt I needed to explain that while I was working on forming our home in my mind and building it without a physical landscape to officially call home I have always felt the draw of the Cariboo as my true “home”. Now to be told that the feeling of home has been without him in it for so long is not necessarily fair I suppose, but wherever my boots have landed, where horses have taken me or planes flown me to… it has always been the Cariboo I refer to as home. It is where my dog always felt he could wander, my horse could graze and I loved the feeling I got driving through the gate… it’s the feel of home.

So, once Josh dropped the idea that we should use my allotted acres my parents have always offered me, to build a house at the ranch, my heart felt full and I realized my searching for home was waiting for him to realize home was where I always dreamed it was, in the rolling hills of the Cariboo and with him and Emma it meant so much more as HOME than he could ever know.

To bring the feeling of home together with the mental building of home is a huge bonus but to know you get to build part of it as a partnership with the love of your life is truly a gift. So know I sit planning our physical home while still trying to build the mental and emotional home that I hope will draw our children back to us just as my parents built for me and my sisters. I was recently told that it is up to me to build my feeling of home, but I truly believe that family is what builds the home… the sense of safety and support builds ties that cannot bound you. The landscape you dream of and retreat to for mental repair is where you long to be in the hills and misty mornings. It is part of the feeling of home to build on and establish in our lifetime for our children to come.

– AJM, seeker of the feeling of home.

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Where my dog can wander and my horse can graze.

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Where my dog can wander and my horse can graze.

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Changing and Growing Roles

Depending what definition and age range you take “Millennials” to be, I could be a millennial or ‘Generation Y’. Ideally I would like to think of myself as Generation Y, but that would strictly out of a desire to not be associated with a generation that is allegedly “instant gratification” seekers. However, This is EXACTLY what my own partner has called me, just not in so many words.

As a youth, young adult or even a full adult (yikes!) I think we would all like the instant response to our questions. The questions could be on life and where we are headed or it could be on “what that pineapple bush really looks like in real life”. We are the product of our society- we Google and we find out the real image of the pineapple bush. It is simply a matter of typing out what we want and heaven forbid if it takes more than the .2314 seconds it should to give us the results we want. I will be honest – I am NOT against the instant answer on what I want to know, I think everyone likes such information whether we want to admit it or not. However, I do not like the accusation of being called entitled which goes along with the idea of the millennial generation.

I will be the first to tell anyone, which I instantly told my partner of, that my “instant gratification” tendency has always been backed by hard work and the appreciation for any job. I have always worked. Never can I remember a time where I did not have some form of employment, whether it was being a nanny, an archaeologist or an advocate and coordinator for a not-for-profit association; I WORK HARD. Now factor in that I am on maternity leave and I spend ALOT of time under a baby with a dying cell phone battery and a book, that always seems,  just out of reach. This “instant gratification” is not seen often- unless I post a photo of my baby daughter and blush at the rush of likes, comments and praise over how good I’ve done at creating a small human. Don’t get me wrong, there are days I will take this praise, if not just merely to appreciate that there are people acknowledging what I think daily. It is this change from working hard and ALWAYS having a job to realizing my only job right now is making sure this small, beautiful, little human is given everything she needs for the rest of her life. While no small feat, it is also a Change in Role and a major milestone for growing up.

I constantly worry of not being enough for this bundle, of not having enough (very millennial thought, I know), and of not being career motivated enough to have developed that financial cushion to give her everything she will ever need. And it is here that I remind myself, it’s okay to not have it all. Things come when they are supposed to and its okay that I haven’t established myself as an executive for the not for profit I always thought I would be doing or that my horse sits in the field for majority of the year because I cannot manage to ride her daily with everything going on. I need to tattoo it on myself that it is OKAY to coast through  few things, to not have ALL the answers or the bank account built up RIGHT NOW. Life’s trail is windy and this is merely a loop in the road that crosses many paths.

I regularly talk myself through the anxiety driven worry that I am not enough or don’t have enough for this little bundle I have been graced with. It helps that life’s trail I’ve taken is with a very supportive and loving partner that accepts my anxious, worry filled babblings in stride. It is this relationship that lets me slowly grasp my changing role in life from equestrian/ traveler/ employed self to Mama/wife and everything I used to be and still am.

Humblest of ramblings,

AM

 

Amongst this changing role is the need to find a sense of home and building that sense of home within our new little family so that its a mental home and not dependent on the constraints of 4 walls.